Archive for the ‘Debates’ Category

Sadly, nearly every girl (and a few guys) I know have been there. You are in a “serious committed relationship” and browse through files on their computer, notice them in a drawer, or find them in an unlikely place. What exactly do you do?

Flip out and let them tear you down by calling you names like “jealous”, “a snooper”, “crazy”, etc.
Hear tired old excuses like “they are just memories”, “they mean nothing”, “they are still my friend”, or worse.

After talking to a few guy friends to get their reaction I was told two main things. One, that most were guilty of this and after speaking with me decided maybe it was time to close that chapter in their lives and get rid of them and two, that they kept them but never even looked at them.

The guys that I spoke with and did make sure to delete ALL of the evidence of failed lovers past, did so for one main reason…they would be heartbroken if the girl they were in love with kept anything like that around where they might, God forbid, find. Those guys tend to be the ones who have possibly been on the receiving end of it and know how awful it feels from experience.

In my personal life I’ve been faced with this problem twice. The first time when I brought it up I was met with extreme hostility. Horrible painful and dragged out fights that ended in tears on my end and not much understanding or change in his. The issue of privacy comes up a lot during these fights. But if one person in the relationship is hurt and feels like it’s a form of emotional cheating, then you know what, it is. Cheating is how each person in the relationship defines it and if one says it’s cheating and the other disagrees, you have a mismatched couple and a possibly doomed relationship.

Another thing to note is that when people are so strong in their fight for keeping these so-called memories, that show of emotion is only proof that the person feeling threatened has a clear and logical point. If there was no longer an emotional connection, it would not pose a problem. The problem comes along when someone wants to move on and still hold on to the past. While it may just be to show off later (which isn’t really healthy).

So what about those that have these past mementos and their significant other allows it and in fact shows no emotional response to it. Usually this can happen for one of three reasons.
One: the mementos are SEVERELY non threatening, if you catch my drift.
Two: it is a very open relationship with far different boundaries than more traditional couples.
And finally three: one of the parties involved is not as in love with the other person and therefore has no reason to worry or care. You could even say they think they are better then their partner and that they are lucky to have them and would be stupid to try anything and ruin that. Or they may just be using them in the first place for resources or something else and they may feel expendable. Just look at the most famous scrapbooker of ex lovers in the world…Hugh Hefner. None of his gfs would object to his scrapbooking ROOM filed with ex lovers, most completely naked at that. They would be tossed out and lose all their benefits (both monetarily and fame wise) for being his gf.

I have a great example of this: I won’t say who it is, but I know a couple where the man had a huge scrapbook of his ex lovers and gfs. He would proudly bring it out and dust it off when guests from his childhood came over to brag about all the women he bed and how beautiful they were. His significant other didn’t bat an eyelash at this and appeared to find it funny. So funny in fact that when she left him years later for another man, she admitted to never really loving him much and just feeling that she was above him. How can you show jealousy when you feel so much better than the other person?

Short answer, you can’t. Only exception is if someone YOU are jealous of shows interest in them. But that’s how they actually got together in the first place.

So what are your thoughts and examples? Let’s Debate!